It’s been another crazy few weeks! Long story short, I’m moving again (fifth time since 2019!) and very unexpectedly. It’s definitely the right choice and I’m looking forward to it, but I am exhausted. In the span of under a month, I’ve had
to make the choice to move when I wasn’t planning to do so for another year at least, and get all my belongings packed and ready to go.
It’s a lot.
I was talking about it with my mom earlier and I observed that it seems to be a common theme in my life that as soon as I’m finally comfortable in a situation, something unexpected happens that shakes everything up and
forces me in an entirely new direction, whether I like it or not. It feels kind of like when you’re about to fall asleep and your body does that involuntary jerk that wakes you right back up.
This isn’t a complaint though. Honestly I’m grateful, because it’s always with situations that were objectively wrong for me. Things I know aren’t right and don’t fit with my life path, but eventually I make a conscious choice to accept it regardless, generally because it’s the safe and easier choice.
And almost like clockwork, within weeks of finally making peace with the safe choice and resolving to stick it out, the ground falls away, I trip on a curb, a giant explosion happens, and I’m involuntarily jerked awake.
Suddenly fired from the soul-sucking receptionist job by the attorney who used to scream at her clients’ families, dumped by the girlfriend I’d later come to understand was terribly emotionally abusive; all situations that I did not belong in but I was already there and they were familiar and didn’t require taking any scary leaps, so I probably never would have left of my own accord. Or at least until conditions were absolutely perfect and I knew with absolute certainty that I was making the right move.
It didn’t matter if the house was on fire, I wasn’t leaving until I knew the weather outside was perfect.
I don’t have an explanation for the uncanniness of it all, although I do like to imagine that there’s a spirit guide or some higher power rolling their eyes behind me and going, “Fine. If you won’t choose to take the risk, you just don’t get to make a choice at all.”
It’s like I’m playing a game of chess against the Universe, and I’ve been safely moving my pawns forward one-by-one to create a safe border protecting my more powerful pieces, which is physically keeping my king safe but also blocking me from making any big game-changing moves. And then the second I have all my little pawns back in a row, the Universe’s queen surges forward and knocks out the one right in front of my king, immediately exposing him and putting him in serious jeopardy if he doesn’t get the heck out of there.
So I do what I have to do, and get him the heck out of there, and start playing the game with a backbone, and eventually it turns out that was exactly what I needed to win all along.
Now I don’t know if any of that is actually good chess strategy (although I skimmed a chess forum and it sounds like I’m at least kind of right), but I do know that as much as losing that pawn and being forced to make an immediate decision was startling and felt chaotic in the moment, ultimately I’m so thankful every time for that shove into action.
It’s always terrifying, but it hasn’t steered me wrong yet.
So I’m excited to see where it takes me this time.